I wish I had never had cause to understand grief's components. However, when my second parent died in 1998, I felt anguish and sorrow so severely, I was unable to put such bereavement into words until recently.
My mom died in 1990 after a long, painful tedious battle with cancer. Her death was bittersweet; I was relieved her cancer-ridden body was free from more suffering, but selfishly I wanted her here on this earth. I wanted her to play a significant role in my daughter's life, and I wanted my best friend, my confidante, my precious mother, to remain in mine.
Then, when my father died unexpectedly in 1998 from a complication from a rare auto-immune disease, all of the sadness and distress I felt at my mom's death resurfaced. The new grief seemed to merge with my past misery. My generous, intelligent mentor and daddy was no longer part of my life, and the compounded mental and emotional pain crushed me.
I fully understood broken-heartedness. My heart was severed into razor-sharp shards, and I experienced an ache that cut through every fiber of my mind and body. The weighty, oppressive bereavement was almost more than I could bear, and I barely functioned for quite a while.
Such grief is often experienced at the death of a beloved parent, a spouse, a child, or a childhood friend, but it also may rear its powerful head at the loss of a job, at the death of a marriage, at the realization that certain expectations and aspirations will remain unfulfilled, or at the sorrow felt over the sin of this world.
A person's process of grief should never be labeled as right or wrong. . . it just is what it is. Well-meaning family members and friends often tried to instruct me on how long grief should last, but I certainly never found a universal expiration date.
Often the process is described as circular because it does not follow a sequential, chronological list, where one phase after another is faced and completed. Instead, a person may begin one phase, may stop part way through, may move on to another aspect, and then return to a previous one. Some mourners experience more than one stage at a time, skip one all together, or remain planted in one for an extended period of time. Grief does not follow any particular pattern! Grief is unique to each individual, and as long as it is not physically or emotionally destructive, I say, "Let it run its natural course."
Many articles I read included common components:
- Shock - This includes numbness, disbelief, and a lack of reality. Shock is a defense mechanism that allows us to survive emotionally. However, coming to terms with the loss is essential in the healing process.
- Denial - Instinctively we do not want to face the occurrence of something bad. Denial is thoughts or words such as, "I don't believe it; it can't be!" Grief is painful emotionally and physically, and it is critical not to suppress it through denial. Acceptance of the loss is important.
- Bargaining - This involves mental "what ifs" and "if onlys".
- Guilt - This stage is often difficult to deal with alone. It may ultimately be resolved by understanding that all of us are humans, who give the best and worst of ourselves to others. Their actions or reactions to us are their responsibility, not ours.
- Anger - This phase must be handled carefully because these complicated reactions can be destructive to ourselves, as well as to others. This phase may include a yearning or pining for the deceased, and weeping, anxiety, and confusion may accompany anger.
- Depression - This component may include a strong desire to withdraw and disengage from others and from enjoyed activities. Yearning may become less intense, but feelings of apathy may intensify. If this deep emotional sorrow manifests itself physically, seeking counseling, a support group, or medical assistance for chemical imbalances may be necessary.
- Resignation - A new state of normalcy may emerge; energy levels increase, and an interest to rejoin life returns as the loss is accepted as reality.
- Acceptance and Hope - Sadness may still linger, but acceptance allows us to move forward without grief's constant interference. Gradually painful memories diminish, while positive warm memories emerge. New feelings that life still has purpose and meaning arise.
Our Heavenly Father does not promise immediate comfort, yet He certainly provides us with many tools for healing - His Word, His Son Jesus, His children, His Holy Spirit, and Himself. We know Jesus experienced grief (He wept at Lazarus' tomb - not because Lazarus was dead, but because of the blindness and unbelief of followers; i.e., He wept for blindness and missed opportunities; He wept over Jerusalem). We know that God allows grief to enter our lives, and often it is a path - a path to Himself.
Complete comfort and healing from the horrific pangs of grief is however, promised to us in heaven, because no tears will be present there. Then God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes. Mourners on this earth will be comforted by hope of the world to come. Mourners on this earth are comforted because they trust Jesus Christ!
These verses are just a smattering of Scripture that have helped me during times of grief:
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you -
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm-
He will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121
for I have put my trust in you.
for to you I lift up my soul."
Psalm 143:8
"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my soul and my body with grief."
"Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,
Lamentations 3:32
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