Avoid Platitudes

Recently, I have discovered I detest platitudes and cliches (especially when they are delivered by friends). If I have ever delivered one of these trite remarks to you when you were anxious, in pain, ill, or stressed, I apologize profusely!

Random House Dictionary defines a platitude as: a flat, dull, or trite remark, especially one uttered as if it were fresh or profound. Platitudes are vapid, commonplace remarks, and they have been around since 18151.

Cliches are almost synonymous, except they are often stereotyped expressions. Cliches may be sentences or phrases that usually express a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, such as "strong as an ox." In art, literature, and drama, a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color or musical expression may be termed a cliche.2 Even the phrase, "I thank you from the bottom of my heart" is considered a cliche.3

When a dear friend or family member is hurting physically or emotionally and is in need of comfort and encouragement, these meaningless utterances are just plain not helpful. Often they are even offered with a moral judgment attached. Again, not helpful! Silence and a hug would be more beneficial.

After the LORD permitted Satan to afflict Job with painful family deaths and debilitating sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head (Job 2:7), three of Job's friends heard about his troubles. They set out from their homes, met together, and agreed to go and sympathize with Job and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they hardly recognized him. They felt so much empathy, they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads, as a sign of mourning his plight. (Job 2:11-12)

Now comes the best part of the story, "Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was." (Job 2:13)

Unfortunately, however, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar did not stop at silent companionship and empathy. Instead, they began spouting wisdoms that were just not wise! Their statements were not even truthful. They made assumptions and started criticizing Job over and over and over again.

They had no clue that Job's torment and trials literally came to pass because God gave Satan the right to test Job. Satan had been roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it looking for someone to torment.

The Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." (Job 1:7b - 8) Job's friends did not accept that Job was exactly who he had portrayed to them; instead, they jumped to conclusions and piled on meaningless, hurtful platitudes, assuming he was at fault. Fortunately, though, God knew Job's heart, and even after losing his beloved sons and daughters, Job 1:22 tells us that "Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."

Job 16:1-5 expresses how I feel about miserable comforters, who do not encourage, do not love, and do not uplift; instead they offer meaningless remarks, cliches, or criticisms:

"Then Job replied:

'I have heard many things like these;

you are miserable comforters, all of you!

Will your long-winded speeches never end?

What ails you that you keep on arguing?

I also could speak like you,

if you were in my place;

I could make fine speeches against you

and shake my head at you.

But my mouth would encourage you;

comfort from my lips would bring you relief.'"

Job 21:34: "So how can you console me with your nonsense?

Nothing is left of your answers but falsehood!"

Job's final word to his friends comes in Job 27:1-6:

"And Job continued his discourse:

'As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice,

the Almighty, who has made my life bitter,

as long as I have life within me,

the breath of God in my nostrils,

my lips will not say anything wicked,

and my tongue will not utter lies.

I will never admit you are in the right;

till I die, I will not deny my integrity.

I will maintain my innocence and never let go of it;

my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.'"

Job hungers for previous days when he was in his prime, when God's intimate friendship blessed his house, when the Almighty was still with him, and his children were around him.

I know Job's example is extreme for my tirade against platitudes, but my point is this: Think twice before you speak to an afflicted or stressed out friend or family member. We do not have the right to cover anyone with meaningless, trite platitudes. Instead, pause. Love the afflicted one, hug them gently, and comfort them with kind acts and words.

We were not present at the earth's foundation, when the Almighty marked off its dimensions. We did not shut up the sea when it burst forth. We did not give orders to the morning or show dawn its place. We do not comprehend the vast expanses of the earth. We do not know the laws of the heavens.

Job 37:5-7a speaks volumes:

"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;

he does great things beyond our understanding.

He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,'

and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.'

So that everyone he has made may know his work,"

All that happens on this earth happens so everyone God has made may know His work and Him! Job's friends did not speak truths. God allowed Job to pray for these men, and God promised to accept Job's prayer on their behalf. Because Job stayed true to God, even amidst crying out in torment, the LORD restored Him. God blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the former, and God's majesty, sovereignty, and power were made manifest.

I beseech you to be careful with platitudes that you throw about, regardless of how well-meaning you think you might be. Comfort, love, and encourage with only God's truths, being careful not to speak when silence and companionship are what are most needed.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for instructing us about your work and who you are. Let us not try to be mini-gods. Muzzle our mouths when what is best is to be silent and prayerful. Prevent us from spouting trivial garbage, platitudes, and meaningless words. Give us wisdom to speak and act in ways that will truly honor you and show love for your children! May all that we are point to you. Amen.

1. platitudes. Dictionary.com. Online Etymology Dictionary. Douglas Harper, Historian. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/platitudes (accessed: November 10, 2010).

2. cliche. Dictionary.com. Random House Dictionary. Random House, Inc. 2010. Retrieved November 10, 2010, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cliche

3. cliche. Dictionary.com. The American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2005. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cliche (accessed: November 10, 2010).

Grief

Grief is an odd emotion because in reality it is more of a process of phases, more than just a single feeling or emotion. No two people experience it exactly the same way. No two people experience it for the same length of time. No two people experience its phases in the same order, nor is there any guarantee that the phases will not be repeated.

I wish I had never had cause to understand grief's components. However, when my second parent died in 1998, I felt anguish and sorrow so severely, I was unable to put such bereavement into words until recently.

My mom died in 1990 after a long, painful tedious battle with cancer. Her death was bittersweet; I was relieved her cancer-ridden body was free from more suffering, but selfishly I wanted her here on this earth. I wanted her to play a significant role in my daughter's life, and I wanted my best friend, my confidante, my precious mother, to remain in mine.

Then, when my father died unexpectedly in 1998 from a complication from a rare auto-immune disease, all of the sadness and distress I felt at my mom's death resurfaced. The new grief seemed to merge with my past misery. My generous, intelligent mentor and daddy was no longer part of my life, and the compounded mental and emotional pain crushed me.

I fully understood broken-heartedness. My heart was severed into razor-sharp shards, and I experienced an ache that cut through every fiber of my mind and body. The weighty, oppressive bereavement was almost more than I could bear, and I barely functioned for quite a while.

Such grief is often experienced at the death of a beloved parent, a spouse, a child, or a childhood friend, but it also may rear its powerful head at the loss of a job, at the death of a marriage, at the realization that certain expectations and aspirations will remain unfulfilled, or at the sorrow felt over the sin of this world.

A person's process of grief should never be labeled as right or wrong. . . it just is what it is. Well-meaning family members and friends often tried to instruct me on how long grief should last, but I certainly never found a universal expiration date.

Often the process is described as circular because it does not follow a sequential, chronological list, where one phase after another is faced and completed. Instead, a person may begin one phase, may stop part way through, may move on to another aspect, and then return to a previous one. Some mourners experience more than one stage at a time, skip one all together, or remain planted in one for an extended period of time. Grief does not follow any particular pattern! Grief is unique to each individual, and as long as it is not physically or emotionally destructive, I say, "Let it run its natural course."

Many articles I read included common components:

• Shock - This includes numbness, disbelief, and a lack of reality. Shock is a defense mechanism that allows us to survive emotionally. However, coming to terms with the loss is essential in the healing process.


• Denial - Instinctively we do not want to face the occurrence of something bad. Denial is thoughts or words such as, "I don't believe it; it can't be!" Grief is painful emotionally and physically, and it is critical not to suppress it through denial. Acceptance of the loss is important.


• Bargaining - This involves mental "what ifs" and "if onlys".


• Guilt - This stage is often difficult to deal with alone. It may ultimately be resolved by understanding that all of us are humans, who give the best and worst of ourselves to others. Their actions or reactions to us are their responsibility, not ours.


• Anger - This phase must be handled carefully because these complicated reactions can be destructive to ourselves, as well as to others. This phase may include a yearning or pining for the deceased, and weeping, anxiety, and confusion may accompany anger.


• Depression - This component may include a strong desire to withdraw and disengage from others and from enjoyed activities. Yearning may become less intense, but feelings of apathy may intensify. If this deep emotional sorrow manifests itself physically, seeking counseling, a support group, or medical assistance for chemical imbalances may be necessary.


• Resignation - A new state of normalcy may emerge; energy levels increase, and an interest to rejoin life returns as the loss is accepted as reality.


• Acceptance and Hope - Sadness may still linger, but acceptance allows us to move forward without grief's constant interference. Gradually painful memories diminish, while positive warm memories emerge. New feelings that life still has purpose and meaning arise.

Grief's pace and path are unique and personal. Hopefully, by understanding grief's primary components and its unique nature, we can empathize and encourage one another better.

Our Heavenly Father does not promise immediate comfort, yet He certainly provides us with many tools for healing - His Word, His Son Jesus, His children, His Holy Spirit, and Himself. We know Jesus experienced grief (He wept at Lazarus' tomb - not because Lazarus was dead, but because of the blindness and unbelief of followers; i.e., He wept for blindness and missed opportunities; He wept over Jerusalem). We know that God allows grief to enter our lives, and often it is a path - a path to Himself.

Complete comfort and healing from the horrific pangs of grief is however, promised to us in heaven, because no tears will be present there. Then God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes. Mourners on this earth will be comforted by hope of the world to come. Mourners on this earth are comforted because they trust Jesus Christ!

These verses are just a smattering of Scripture that have helped me during times of grief:

"I lift up my eyes to the hills -

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip -

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, He who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you -

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm-

He will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul."

Psalm 143:8

"My eyes have grown dim with grief;

my whole frame is but a shadow."

Job 17:7

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love,

for you saw my affliction

and knew the anguish of my soul."

Psalm 31:7

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;

my eyes grow weak with sorrow,

my soul and my body with grief."

Psalm 31:9

"Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,

so great is His unfailing love."

Lamentations 3:32

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, 'He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.'"

Psalm 91:1-2

"but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

Dear Heavenly Father,

May all who are experiencing grief find their peace and comfort in You! May all who stand by friends and family during grief seek Your wisdom, so those who have received your perfect comfort may also comfort others. Amen.